This is an extract (13/3/15) of my depression diary that I used as a form of therapy during my dark times. I haven’t felt like this for years but I thought I would share it to show that the future can still be bright for people who have battled depression.
“This book is my therapy and my future self is not allowed to mock that. I am what I feel right now and if that should change in the future, I do not want to feel guilty of this book, for in my dark, lonely time it was here for me when everyone else was asleep in their beds.
It hurts. It hurts a lot. But I’ll keep it to myself so it doesn’t hurt anyone else. Story of my life really.
I tell different people different aspects, the things in which I can trust them with, knowing that with that knowledge they will not judge me, however nobody knows the whole truth.
In all honesty, I don’t think I do. Not to the full extent. Maybe it’s a self-preservation thing. I suppose time will tell.
I often wonder who else suffers with these feelings. A lot of people are facing silent battles. Perhaps if people realised just how many people are affected then there would be less of a stigma about Mental Health.
Most nights I wonder where I’ll be in 5, 10, 15 years. The prospect is so daunting. I wonder if I will ever feel (my own version of) normal again. Without the underlying feelings that penetrate my everyday life. Another scary thought is wondering if I want to. Do I find comfort in the fact that though everything is unknown, I do know that I’ll have these feelings?
I was not myself for months. Years really. Yet nobody noticed. Or if they did, they didn’t care enough to ask if I was feeling OK.”
Disclaimer: in hindsight I know that people did care, they just didn’t know how to help me or what to ask/say.
“This is what loneliness feels like.
I am surrounded by people and the mask I wear is so realistic that the people who know me best don’t even notice that every day I lose another piece of myself. A piece that helps me find happiness. I am losing myself and I don’t even know how to feel about it.
It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply. Not all those who wander are lost, but I feel lost and I hope that by wandering around, I might find myself.
Don’t read too deeply into my thoughts or you might drown. I pretend to be a cynic, but in reality I am a dreamer who fears she may never get what she wants or needs.
Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day that says we’ll try again tomorrow.”
Compare this to almost 3 years later when I am about to travel to Australia for a year working and having spent almost 18 months without a dark day at all.
For anyone currently feeling the way I did when I wrote this diary entry, don’t give up, don’t bottle it up, if you can’t talk to someone yet, write it down.
One day, you’ll read back on it and be proud that you got through it. It will take time, but you will come out stronger than ever.
I am sharing this post as part of Mental Health Monday.
Bex
Mental Health Monday: Depression
Post Author: bexcapades
16 thoughts on “Mental Health Monday: Depression”
Alys
(December 4, 2017 - 10:02 am)This post is so powerful, I can relate to a lot of the feelings expressed in your writing. Thanks for sharing this <3
bexcapades
(December 4, 2017 - 10:13 am)Thank you for reading it! It makes me feel good to know that people can relate to it 💜
Alys
(December 4, 2017 - 10:14 am)Great idea for regular posts too <3
Irene
(December 4, 2017 - 3:12 pm)The “Me Too” is a testament to if one person shares what they have or are going through it can make so many people feel they are not alone and can share or seek help also.
Thankyou for sharing ❤️
bexcapades
(December 4, 2017 - 3:22 pm)Thank you for reading Irene! I’ve been astounded by the level of support & positivity 😘
bournemouthgirl
(December 6, 2017 - 8:00 pm)Very open and honest. Well written.
bexcapades
(December 6, 2017 - 8:06 pm)Thank you, just wanted to show how there can be light after darkness 🙂
Katie Conibear
(December 12, 2017 - 11:25 am)Thank you for sharing such personal thoughts. It’s wonderful to see how well you are doing now, and the adventure you are about to embark on! Good luck x
bexcapades
(December 12, 2017 - 11:42 am)Thank you, I never would have had the courage to change my life if i hadn’t felt so dreadful then, I knew something had to change because I couldn’t continue like that! X
Nini
(December 12, 2017 - 2:59 pm)Thank you for sharing that, it was touching to read and you’re an incredible writer! I’m very proud of how far you’ve come, you’re an amazingly strong person!❤
bexcapades
(December 12, 2017 - 3:34 pm)Thank you for kind words! I couldn’t have shared it while I was in it so I’m just pleased that I’ve come out of my worst & can start to move forward 🙂 💜
Liebster Blog Award – bexcapades
(December 17, 2017 - 12:09 pm)[…] my anxiety because I know how it can cause me so many […]
I Don’t Want to be Crazy – bexcapades
(December 17, 2017 - 12:38 pm)[…] is a selection of quotes from ‘I Don’t Want to be Crazy’ that I wrote in my diary on 30th March 2015 while I was battling particularly bad depression. The book is written by […]
My First Blogmas Post – bexcapades
(December 17, 2017 - 12:50 pm)[…] 4/12: Mental Health Monday […]
Sharon B
(October 3, 2018 - 10:18 pm)I hope you are as proud as we are … look at you now, I’m sure you never believed you’d be helping others by sharing your experiences! You’ve achieved so much in those years, well done 🖐😊
bexcapades
(October 5, 2018 - 9:54 pm)I am. It sometimes overwhelms me just how proud I am of myself, proving my 20 year old self wrong constantly! X