This is an extract (13/3/15) of my depression diary that I used as a form of therapy during my dark times. I haven’t felt like this for years but I thought I would share it to show that the future can still be bright for people who have battled depression.
“This book is my therapy and my future self is not allowed to mock that. I am what I feel right now and if that should change in the future, I do not want to feel guilty of this book, for in my dark, lonely time it was here for me when everyone else was asleep in their beds.
It hurts. It hurts a lot. But I’ll keep it to myself so it doesn’t hurt anyone else. Story of my life really.
I tell different people different aspects, the things in which I can trust them with, knowing that with that knowledge they will not judge me, however nobody knows the whole truth.
In all honesty, I don’t think I do. Not to the full extent. Maybe it’s a self-preservation thing. I suppose time will tell.
I often wonder who else suffers with these feelings. A lot of people are facing silent battles. Perhaps if people realised just how many people are affected then there would be less of a stigma about Mental Health.
Most nights I wonder where I’ll be in 5, 10, 15 years. The prospect is so daunting. I wonder if I will ever feel (my own version of) normal again. Without the underlying feelings that penetrate my everyday life. Another scary thought is wondering if I want to. Do I find comfort in the fact that though everything is unknown, I do know that I’ll have these feelings?
I was not myself for months. Years really. Yet nobody noticed. Or if they did, they didn’t care enough to ask if I was feeling OK.”
Disclaimer: in hindsight I know that people did care, they just didn’t know how to help me or what to ask/say.
“This is what loneliness feels like.
I am surrounded by people and the mask I wear is so realistic that the people who know me best don’t even notice that every day I lose another piece of myself. A piece that helps me find happiness. I am losing myself and I don’t even know how to feel about it.
It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply. Not all those who wander are lost, but I feel lost and I hope that by wandering around, I might find myself.
Don’t read too deeply into my thoughts or you might drown. I pretend to be a cynic, but in reality I am a dreamer who fears she may never get what she wants or needs.
Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day that says we’ll try again tomorrow.”
Compare this to almost 3 years later when I am about to travel to Australia for a year working and having spent almost 18 months without a dark day at all.
For anyone currently feeling the way I did when I wrote this diary entry, don’t give up, don’t bottle it up, if you can’t talk to someone yet, write it down.
One day, you’ll read back on it and be proud that you got through it. It will take time, but you will come out stronger than ever.
I am sharing this post as part of Mental Health Monday.