This is a selection of quotes from ‘I Don’t Want to be Crazy’ that I wrote in my diary on 30th March 2015 while I was battling particularly bad depression. The book is written by Samantha Schutz and is a memoir of her young adult life.
I finished reading I Don’t Want to be Crazy and a lot of the quotes fit how I have felt both in the past and recently. I also liked how the ending wasn’t a resolve that she lived happily ever after, but it wasn’t hopeless. It was a very real ending of uncertainty, that she is OK for now but she may go back into crippling depression, and though she can feel her anxiety there, she wasn’t suffering in the extent that she had.
Moments I liked (related to a lot) were as follows:
‘I report feelings of dying, going crazy, losing control of emotions and behaviour. I have the urge to escape or flee the place where the (anxiety) attack began. This is my life.’
‘Afraid to be loved, the one thing I want most. Maybe it’s because I’m not that perfect little girl that I was supposed to be. Well-manicured. Because I have nervous breakdowns and take pills and keep moving’
‘I have an appointment with a therapist. I spend the day thinking about the things that I am afraid of: that I will be alone and no one will love me. But are these really the fears I worry about? What about not succeeding? Not pleasing my parents? Being left alone with no one to help me, just in case something terrible happens. The new fear of not being able to get out has affected me worse than the others’
‘I am 20 years old, I should be able to handle this on my own but I can’t, I don’t want to’
‘I don’t remember being like this in high school, before I was diagnosed, and I hate that I don’t know if all the things are me becoming me, or me because of the anxiety’
‘I am scared that I do not want to get well and that I am the greatest obstacle to my recovery. Why would I do this to myself? Why would I inflict so much pain, turn my life upside down, twist my stomach in knots, run from friends, family, even from entire countries?’
‘I do not feel like myself, and if this is me then something needs to change. I fear my whole life will be exactly like this – seen from behind my eyes, never touching’
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